FIRSTLY: I am sorry if this is in the wrong thread, the only other tread I could think to put it was misc. But I guess it sort of applies here, right? General health an all 🙂
Well, hello there.
I’m Omar, and this (even though I doubt I’ll keep updating this because I have no willpower) is the beginning, hopefully, of the rest of my life.
Let me start with some background information, shall we?
I am 23 years old and I am not happy with my life. I desperately need to change before I look in the mirror and realise I’m 30 and have wasted the prime years of my life.
I left university – by left I mean dropped out – in January 2013 and came back to live with my family (I had moved to England to study when my residence is in Wales). Looking back on it now I was not ready to ‘leave the nest’ and leaving residence and living with a crazy girlfriend in university halls was no the most informed choice I’d made to say the least. The toll it had on my mental state was rather severe.
So after me and my girlfriend of the time broke up and I came residence I began to go to the gym and I made very very (VERY) good progress. That is until student finance made a mistake and sent me £3000 even after I’d told them I was leaving university.
I had always been a ‘recreational’ weed smoker but because I was unemployed (not for lack of trying to find a job) I had a lot of time to fill and I chose to do this with weed. I think I could have managed if I was the ‘every day’ weed toker… but I’m not. My parents cannot know that I smoke weed so this leads me to only be able to smoke in my room after my parents have gone to bed. It has actually been this way for just under three years.
So I have been smoking for three years now, basically spending £10 every night for these past years. This is not mentioning the munchies, or if I get more than £10 worth when I see my friends (I always do). It doesn’t take a genius to realise that this is a lot of money. My estimates are around £7000 wasted so far.
Not only is it the money that’s an issue, but it has actually had a profound effect on my life that I began to notice after a year or so of smoking:
- I was going to sleep at around 4/5am every morning (It’s usually around 6/7am nowadays). This left me waking up at around 4pm every day unless I had work earlier than that (I usually start between 12pm and 6pm). I have been operating on 3-5 hours sleep for three years now. This is just unsustainable for me. I’m 23 damnit.
- My mother works 5 days a week in one job, and 4 nights a week in another job. She comes home, cleans, cooks and washes everyone’s clothes. Apart from Sunday, she maybe has actually about 45 minutes to herself a day… if that. How can I continue to selfishly indulge myself every single night while she works as hard as she does? The fact that I have been so insensitive to my mother makes me angry. What kind of a son am I?
- My father starts work at 4pm and finished every night at 12am. If I don’t wake up until around 4pm every day, and I am usually in my room beginning smoking at 11:30ish, how can I see my father? The answer? I haven’t. I see him for around 20 minutes a day. My father is very sensitive and I know this. He hates the fact that he never sees me or my brother in the day because we’re sleeping (oh yeah, my brother does it too, but he has actually a sleeping disorder too). The fact that I could see my father every day and spend time with him but I choose to simply indulge myself every night makes me angry too.
- Me and my girlfriend got together in July of 2014. She is versus weed (for the wrong reasons, but that doesn’t matter). I told her I’d quit, and I did for 69 days. Those 69 days were the happiest, most fresh, most vibrant days I have had in years. This all ended when season 5 of The Walking Dead began. I told her that I was going to smoke on the night it came out so I could watch it. But I never stopped. I was hooked again and it’s been this way ever since. She still thinks that I don’t smoke it. She believes me that I sleep around 12 hours a night… Ugh, how can I lie to her like this? What is wrong with me?!
- I am lethargic and lazy (weed doesn’t do this to me, the lack of sleep does, just to eradicate the myth that weed makes you lazy, I know plenty of people who are successful while smoking weed every day). I have no motivation to do anything during the days apart from lay down and sleep.
- If I plan on smoking weed, and can’t get any weed, look out! I am a nasty, angry person.
- I started college in September and my work is definitely suffering due to the laziness and lethargy. Also, when I do have time to do it I often choose to just get blazed instead.
- Porn. Screw it, I’m being totally open here. People may not be aware of how damaging porn can be. Take it from me – a 23 year old who has actually around 15 years experience watching porn. I am a child of the internet, I can only vaguely remember a life without it. I wake up in the morning, watch porn. I go to bed and watch porn. It has actually been continuously at least twice a day for the past three years. I often spend two hours every night watching it while I’m stoned. Anyone who stops and thinks about it can possibly imagine the edge affects:
- I often can’t concentrate while I’m doing college work because I feel the need to watch it.
- The novelty and appeal of sex is negligible when you’re able to see all the ass n’ titties you’d like. My girlfriend is 20. You can imagine her sex drive and a lot of the time I refuse her. Ever heard that before?!
- You think I can last any reasonable amount of time in the bedroom now? Ha! Masterbation has actually ruined that for me. Masterbation is nothing more getting to the point of orgasm, stopping and repeat. If my body is so used to getting there so quickly then how am I meant to satisfy the needs of my girlfriend? (Yes yes, I am now a foreplay master which may be the only benefit these past years have provided but sex is not all about foreplay).
- Porn really does take up a lot of time. A lot of my porn time is spent looking for the perfect 20 seconds in a movie that’s in a warehouse of movies!
- I have refused my girlfriend sex because I wanted to go residence and do it for myself. Fuck. FUCK!
- If I smoke weed for 5-6 hours a night, every night for most of the three years, how much time is that spent simply sitting in front of a computer screen in the dark with headphones on? I can’t explain the amount of times I’ve endured back pain from sitting too long simply so I could go on smoking. I often go to bed with a head ache because I’ve been watching movies and straining my eyes. God knows what this has actually done for my posture, and my joints.
- Fitness. I am proud to say I have kept my fitness levels… satisfactory. I do often ride my road bike/mountain bike to work and I go on rides but this does nothing to make up for the fact I have lost a lot of muscle mass and have probably ruined my spine. I have been getting a lot of trouble with my neck these past few months and I believe this is directly connected to my posture most nights.
- What have I done to my lungs? Chain-smoking every night for years (yes I use tobacco in my joints).
That was a long list. It feels good to finally see it all written down on paper (well… on screen). I am posting this here with the intent of updating it every day. I hope one day this will bring help to someone, including myself.
I understand that lots of many lots of people can smoke weed in moderation and if that is you then good for you, enjoy it if you choose to. I strongly believe it should be legal but for me right now it is too much of a risk to take.
From this point on I choose not to smoke marijuana. It’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it.
Any advice that you can give me would be most appreciated 🙂
Take it easy, y’all and thanks for reading. Much love to you all. 🙂